...
I seriously hate how one person, who makes not a bit of difference when it's all said and done with, can make you feel like the most worthless, hideous, and terrible person in the world.
How Horrible
It's a very awful thing to realize that someone has single handedly affected your life so much that it impairs you in someway later on.
Point:
I find myself having a very difficult time in my current relationship. I'm scared he doesn't care about me like he says he does. I'm scared to tell him how much I care lest he turn it on me. I'm scared he's going to use everything wrong against me.
Reason:
At one point I found myself smitten by an incarnation of a satanic minion. He said he loved me. Even when he was mad, he said he loved me, but he would fuck my world up if I left him. He threatened to have my daughter taken away from me. He convinced me everyone thought I was crazy. He told me I was worthless. I tried to leave him, but he would convince me to come back. Twice I tried to leave him and it got violent. He's the reason I freak out when someone touches the back of my neck. Ever had someone put you to your knees crying with pressure points? You would freak, too. Of course, he still loved me. I told myself he loved me so much, he wouldn't care enough about someone else to do that to them for leaving him. He loved me so much, he decided to get revenge on me for leaving him and started seeing another girl, the married her when she got pregnant. Of course, he still loved me. He didn't love her, he said. He was going to divorce her after the baby was born and marry me. Then I got pregnant. Kill it, he said. I'll kick you in the stomach if I ever see you again, he said. He told so many lies and rumors about me to so many people, but he still loved me. I spent eight hours of labor alone because he loved me. He bought a bag of diapers because he loved me. When his third baby was born, it started to sink in. I realized one day, he never loved me. He used everything I'd given him, my heart, my money, my time... and didn't care. No one thought I was crazy, except for staying with him. I gave him the power and he abused it.
It's sad it happened. I always thought I was a stronger person for it. I never realized it made me this way. So timid. So scared.
How awful to give someone such power.
Point:
I find myself having a very difficult time in my current relationship. I'm scared he doesn't care about me like he says he does. I'm scared to tell him how much I care lest he turn it on me. I'm scared he's going to use everything wrong against me.
Reason:
At one point I found myself smitten by an incarnation of a satanic minion. He said he loved me. Even when he was mad, he said he loved me, but he would fuck my world up if I left him. He threatened to have my daughter taken away from me. He convinced me everyone thought I was crazy. He told me I was worthless. I tried to leave him, but he would convince me to come back. Twice I tried to leave him and it got violent. He's the reason I freak out when someone touches the back of my neck. Ever had someone put you to your knees crying with pressure points? You would freak, too. Of course, he still loved me. I told myself he loved me so much, he wouldn't care enough about someone else to do that to them for leaving him. He loved me so much, he decided to get revenge on me for leaving him and started seeing another girl, the married her when she got pregnant. Of course, he still loved me. He didn't love her, he said. He was going to divorce her after the baby was born and marry me. Then I got pregnant. Kill it, he said. I'll kick you in the stomach if I ever see you again, he said. He told so many lies and rumors about me to so many people, but he still loved me. I spent eight hours of labor alone because he loved me. He bought a bag of diapers because he loved me. When his third baby was born, it started to sink in. I realized one day, he never loved me. He used everything I'd given him, my heart, my money, my time... and didn't care. No one thought I was crazy, except for staying with him. I gave him the power and he abused it.
It's sad it happened. I always thought I was a stronger person for it. I never realized it made me this way. So timid. So scared.
How awful to give someone such power.
Bah Fucking Humbug
I am not fond of Christmas. I have been waiting since before Thanksgiving for this to be over. Today, I decided I hate Christmas; seriously, with fervor, hate Christmas. The least of my problems was starting my period midday if that gives you any idea of how my day has gone. The kids are happy, though. Claire was happier with a toy baby bottle than anything else. Amory has been playing with everything she got and is happy. That has been the light of goodness in this day. I'm very happy with my cow stuff I got. And I may be getting more ink soon.
I'm so thankful we have our health, love, and more than we need so that is what is important. I just feel so damn bad it's hard to focus on that.
Now if I can just make it through my birthday and the New Year, things may get better.
I'm so thankful we have our health, love, and more than we need so that is what is important. I just feel so damn bad it's hard to focus on that.
Now if I can just make it through my birthday and the New Year, things may get better.
That Time of Year
How could I possibly think I could get through this time of year without it happening? I really hate the holidays. It wasn't always this way. A few years ago, I was perfectly happy around this time of year. What's so different about this year? Oh, everything.
My dad is so set on how we're going to do Christmas. He thinks we have to make this huge deal out of it and has asked me if Santa is bringing the presents I got the girls. I'm NOT the one that taught my kids about Santa, I refuse to talk about Santa to my kids, and I will never propagate the idea of Santa. The only traditions I want to teach my kids about the holidays are the traditions of charity and being thankful. This time of year has become a commercial scheme in a capitalist economy that masks the greed by giving charities a forum to display their causes. I love giving presents to people, but I don't want to be told I have to do it on a specific day of the year.
I did get a raise at work, which I was uber excited about. Yeah, it was a small "congrats for passing your probationary period" raise, but you know what? It's a start. I am one step above where I started.
I am feeling so insecure about things this week, though. I feel like I am going no where. Which is not helping other things I'm feeling insecure about. Things with Eric... I know they should be great and I should be happy, but I can't help to feel like they aren't. It hurts so much to think about losing him, but I just don't know if we have any realistic chances of a long term thing. I love him, there's no doubt about that. It's just hard. He's really not ready for kids, I can tell. He does great around them, but things are really different than what I'm used. I guess it's mainly because we don't spend every second around each other like I've normally done before. It's a bit of a relief, but at the same time, it makes for a very sharp contrast. We do a lot more away from the kids than we do with them. In a way it's nice, but in a way, I feel like this relationship is almost excluding them. There's no negotiations, we're a package deal. I like having a separate identity from being "mom" but that's still a part of who I am. I know we're still really early into everything, so there's time for things to change and grow together, but I'm so scared they won't. Sometimes I feel like dating a guy without kids is like asking to have your cake and eat it, too. I've met a great guy that loves me, but will he ever love my kids the same way? It's too much to ask for. Things aren't going to get any easier with him going TDY in April and deploying sometime between August and October. So I'll just cross my fingers every night and hope that for one more day I can hold on to this happiness.
I hate feeling so depressed. I want it to go away, but it's getting worse. Maybe after my birthday I'll feel better. Less stress when a new year starts.
My dad is so set on how we're going to do Christmas. He thinks we have to make this huge deal out of it and has asked me if Santa is bringing the presents I got the girls. I'm NOT the one that taught my kids about Santa, I refuse to talk about Santa to my kids, and I will never propagate the idea of Santa. The only traditions I want to teach my kids about the holidays are the traditions of charity and being thankful. This time of year has become a commercial scheme in a capitalist economy that masks the greed by giving charities a forum to display their causes. I love giving presents to people, but I don't want to be told I have to do it on a specific day of the year.
I did get a raise at work, which I was uber excited about. Yeah, it was a small "congrats for passing your probationary period" raise, but you know what? It's a start. I am one step above where I started.
I am feeling so insecure about things this week, though. I feel like I am going no where. Which is not helping other things I'm feeling insecure about. Things with Eric... I know they should be great and I should be happy, but I can't help to feel like they aren't. It hurts so much to think about losing him, but I just don't know if we have any realistic chances of a long term thing. I love him, there's no doubt about that. It's just hard. He's really not ready for kids, I can tell. He does great around them, but things are really different than what I'm used. I guess it's mainly because we don't spend every second around each other like I've normally done before. It's a bit of a relief, but at the same time, it makes for a very sharp contrast. We do a lot more away from the kids than we do with them. In a way it's nice, but in a way, I feel like this relationship is almost excluding them. There's no negotiations, we're a package deal. I like having a separate identity from being "mom" but that's still a part of who I am. I know we're still really early into everything, so there's time for things to change and grow together, but I'm so scared they won't. Sometimes I feel like dating a guy without kids is like asking to have your cake and eat it, too. I've met a great guy that loves me, but will he ever love my kids the same way? It's too much to ask for. Things aren't going to get any easier with him going TDY in April and deploying sometime between August and October. So I'll just cross my fingers every night and hope that for one more day I can hold on to this happiness.
I hate feeling so depressed. I want it to go away, but it's getting worse. Maybe after my birthday I'll feel better. Less stress when a new year starts.
Oh, I Forgot
So life has been interesting, somewhat, since I bothered to blog last. Biggest news in my world is I'm (oh I hate to say it, the words catch everytime) dropping... out... of... college. Sigh. I don't want to go into what a failure I feel like, but I just can't be super woman. I can't handle everything. I just cannot do it anymore. Ok. Calm down. That subject brings on the tears.
On a happier note... I have a boyfriend. Surprise, it's NOT Alex! He tried to pull the "I wan tto talk about getting back together the day I leave to go to Qatar and call you twice a day while I'm here and etc etc" and I put an end to it. I told him it would never happen between us again.
This new guy... wow. He's everything I could ever dream of. And yeah, I love him. I've never loved anyone the way I love him. Know what though? He totally dropped the L word first. The whole little speech he gave me was too cute and when he finally said it, I could barely speak. Eric is not like anyone I've ever dated before. He's the best of every boyfriend I've had rolled into one guy. In a way, it hurts to love him. It's been way, way, way too long since I cared enough about a guy that I was actually afraid of losing him. Everyday I'm afraid I'm going to wake up and find out it's just a dream.
And I adore his doggie. LMAO! PetSmart had a hand in us meeting so I couldn't blog without mentioning Kane. He's such a great dog and I simply love him, all 120 lbs of him. He's a Mastiff. Heh.
Life is good besides the aforementioned school situation. Everything else is pretty much great. :D
On a happier note... I have a boyfriend. Surprise, it's NOT Alex! He tried to pull the "I wan tto talk about getting back together the day I leave to go to Qatar and call you twice a day while I'm here and etc etc" and I put an end to it. I told him it would never happen between us again.
This new guy... wow. He's everything I could ever dream of. And yeah, I love him. I've never loved anyone the way I love him. Know what though? He totally dropped the L word first. The whole little speech he gave me was too cute and when he finally said it, I could barely speak. Eric is not like anyone I've ever dated before. He's the best of every boyfriend I've had rolled into one guy. In a way, it hurts to love him. It's been way, way, way too long since I cared enough about a guy that I was actually afraid of losing him. Everyday I'm afraid I'm going to wake up and find out it's just a dream.
And I adore his doggie. LMAO! PetSmart had a hand in us meeting so I couldn't blog without mentioning Kane. He's such a great dog and I simply love him, all 120 lbs of him. He's a Mastiff. Heh.
Life is good besides the aforementioned school situation. Everything else is pretty much great. :D
Not Where I Want To Be
I feel very, very suffocated at this moment.
School is becoming overwhelming because I don't have the time to put into it that I need. Solution: ask my manager to cut my hours.
Work is not much of a problem as I am learning my way around PetCare pretty easily and have no problem admitting when I don't know somehing a customer asks.
Kids are driving me fucking insane, but it could be due to all the other stress I'm under right now. Trying to maintain.
The Alex Issue has crossed a line I had hoped ot never cross. At no point in a relationship do I like to find myself at the crossroads of wanting to believe there is nothing wrong when there is evidence contrary to that idea. MySpace is simply that; a social networking site. I try not to put a lot of stock into it, however, in this day and age it cannot always be taken lightly because so many people do put so much into it. When a "friend" of his writes something like "I can't wait until February, then you will be all mine" and I've been watching the interactions between this "friend" and Alex because I felt the red flags of warning go up, well, the unease pretty well peaks. I've put too much into the Alex Issue and have left myself open for a good deal of heartache. I did it in the trust that things would not go that way and must accept the consequences of my actions. Something has been making me feel torn about this for a long time, which is why I go back and forth with myself about what I want to do. On the one hand, IF things were to go right, things could be very well for both of us. That particular branch is, however, a small one on a tree of many possibilities. There is more chance of things going wrong, which argues the logic in further pursuit of the issue. The time and energy I devote to worrying about it is evidence in itself that something has got to change.
Sigh. I'm not naive. I figured I would get used and fucked over. It hurts to be right.
School is becoming overwhelming because I don't have the time to put into it that I need. Solution: ask my manager to cut my hours.
Work is not much of a problem as I am learning my way around PetCare pretty easily and have no problem admitting when I don't know somehing a customer asks.
Kids are driving me fucking insane, but it could be due to all the other stress I'm under right now. Trying to maintain.
The Alex Issue has crossed a line I had hoped ot never cross. At no point in a relationship do I like to find myself at the crossroads of wanting to believe there is nothing wrong when there is evidence contrary to that idea. MySpace is simply that; a social networking site. I try not to put a lot of stock into it, however, in this day and age it cannot always be taken lightly because so many people do put so much into it. When a "friend" of his writes something like "I can't wait until February, then you will be all mine" and I've been watching the interactions between this "friend" and Alex because I felt the red flags of warning go up, well, the unease pretty well peaks. I've put too much into the Alex Issue and have left myself open for a good deal of heartache. I did it in the trust that things would not go that way and must accept the consequences of my actions. Something has been making me feel torn about this for a long time, which is why I go back and forth with myself about what I want to do. On the one hand, IF things were to go right, things could be very well for both of us. That particular branch is, however, a small one on a tree of many possibilities. There is more chance of things going wrong, which argues the logic in further pursuit of the issue. The time and energy I devote to worrying about it is evidence in itself that something has got to change.
Sigh. I'm not naive. I figured I would get used and fucked over. It hurts to be right.
Big Mistake
I should have never, never stopped my medicine.
This last week has turned into a nightmare. I have been so uncontrolablly moody. I ended up sending the kids to bed at 7pm because I was in tears from being so stressed. I feel like i have way too much going on and there is no end in sight. It seems like I am never going to finish school because I can't keep up the motivation or the focus. I want to quit my job because I think I need more time to focus on school. My kids are getting the short end because I am always busy trying to do things like keep the house clean or school work.
Why can't I just marry a millionaire?
Fuck. Don't even get me started on Alex. I made a big mistake in allowing myself to get back into things with him. Not because of anything he's done, don't get me wrong. It's just that I'm completely stressed over it and that is not helping the situation. He's been great while he's on vacation. He calls me everyday, we enjoy talking to each other - it's not really his fault I'm stressed. I just need to have the talk about what we're going to do so I can quit worrying. I'm at a point i feel like I want to be back with him, but I don't know if it will be worth it because all we've been through doesn't give me confidence in our relationship. Quite to the contrary, I feel like our relationship would be very unstable emotionally.
Fuck it. I don't know anything right now. I really just want to go have another good cry. That was the one thing that felt right.
This last week has turned into a nightmare. I have been so uncontrolablly moody. I ended up sending the kids to bed at 7pm because I was in tears from being so stressed. I feel like i have way too much going on and there is no end in sight. It seems like I am never going to finish school because I can't keep up the motivation or the focus. I want to quit my job because I think I need more time to focus on school. My kids are getting the short end because I am always busy trying to do things like keep the house clean or school work.
Why can't I just marry a millionaire?
Fuck. Don't even get me started on Alex. I made a big mistake in allowing myself to get back into things with him. Not because of anything he's done, don't get me wrong. It's just that I'm completely stressed over it and that is not helping the situation. He's been great while he's on vacation. He calls me everyday, we enjoy talking to each other - it's not really his fault I'm stressed. I just need to have the talk about what we're going to do so I can quit worrying. I'm at a point i feel like I want to be back with him, but I don't know if it will be worth it because all we've been through doesn't give me confidence in our relationship. Quite to the contrary, I feel like our relationship would be very unstable emotionally.
Fuck it. I don't know anything right now. I really just want to go have another good cry. That was the one thing that felt right.
Funky Funk
I am in a very terrible mood. I don't know if it is much to do with anything besides the medical issues, though. If you missed the update from MySpace, all my problems are most likely linked to the medication I was taking. Was. Past tense. Ever stopped an antipsychotic cold turkey? I don't recommend it. THere were three days of nightmares (and I don't mean oh, look, something that bothers me, we're talking I woke up in tears from my most terrifying fears) and then onto the complete full mood swings with extra sensitivity included. Thankfully, however, the side effects are going away and there will probably be no need for a CT scan. Assuming my doctor's office ever returns my calls and lets me make my case to them, since my mom is the one that figured out the problem and not my doctor. Then I'll be off to see my primary care doctor one last time to inform him why I will no longer be seeing him and why I'll be calling my insurance to change to another doctor. I partly blame myself for this situation. I allowed the doctor to bully me into taking a prescription I did not ask or believe I had a need for. I think the positive effects were more psychosomatic than not. Anyway. I don't feel like bitching about it anymore.
I'm at a loss about Alex. It bothers me. It shouldn't. Or should it? I don't know if I should cry or be happy with what we have.
Sometimes it's interesting to have a deaf cat, especially when you have another "normal" cat that looks exactly the same. The phrase "Stop that, stupid cat, you'd better listen to me... oh... wait. Nevermind, you're Lucy," is very often repeated around our house.
I'm at a loss about Alex. It bothers me. It shouldn't. Or should it? I don't know if I should cry or be happy with what we have.
Sometimes it's interesting to have a deaf cat, especially when you have another "normal" cat that looks exactly the same. The phrase "Stop that, stupid cat, you'd better listen to me... oh... wait. Nevermind, you're Lucy," is very often repeated around our house.
Home, Bittersweet, Home
We made it home from the black hole of Louisiana. I'm about to wake Amory up to get ready for school, then drop Claire off, then it's off to my apoointment with the doctor to get my ultrasound results. Not excited, but ready to get it over with. I win, by the way. Alex called Saturday to let me know he made it to Texas all right AND on Sunday to talk a little since I'd been asleep the night before. That means I won Saturday and Sunday. If you don't get it, don't ask.
Looking... the Same
Wednesday was one of those days you never really know how to feel about. It started out with Alex and I going out to breakfast. I had a better time with him than we've had together in weeks. I smiled, I laughed, I felt better. We did a couple errands and went back to his place, only to fall asleep until it was time for me to leave for my appointment. I let him stay behind since he needed his rest. It wasn't that big of a deal, I was just happy to have such a great morning with him.
So the appointment went... well, it was an ultrasound. Gooey gel on my stomach and then for the up close and personal type. Ugh. Pf course, the tech can't tell you what they're seeing; a doctor has to read the results. It seemed to me that she spent a lot more time taking pictures of my right side, but then again, it could always be my imagination. I'll get the results back at my appointment Monday. I get to spend all weekend worried about it. Lovely.
We're currently in Louisiana visiting. Joy. It's not that I don't like seeing my mom, I just hate being here. She smokes and that makes Amory's allergies act up. Poor baby. I don't care for dealing with my stepfather much, but as long as we avoid topics of debate, we're ok. I probably won't make it over to Texas even though I wish we could. I just can't go that far in the car again knowing that on Sunday I have to make the 10 hour drive back to Georgia.
I'm just antsy about everything right now. I want to know what's going on with Alex, but I'm just wanting to know which way things are going. I'm ok with not getting back together, but it wouldn't hurt my feelings if we did. I'm still feeling a lot better than I have in a long time and I think that would make life easier on both of us. I really hate waitingon all these medical tests to come back. They should've had a doctor there and waiting so I could get my results immediately. Ha. Right. I can dream.
Ok, back to trying to find something to amuse my kids.
So the appointment went... well, it was an ultrasound. Gooey gel on my stomach and then for the up close and personal type. Ugh. Pf course, the tech can't tell you what they're seeing; a doctor has to read the results. It seemed to me that she spent a lot more time taking pictures of my right side, but then again, it could always be my imagination. I'll get the results back at my appointment Monday. I get to spend all weekend worried about it. Lovely.
We're currently in Louisiana visiting. Joy. It's not that I don't like seeing my mom, I just hate being here. She smokes and that makes Amory's allergies act up. Poor baby. I don't care for dealing with my stepfather much, but as long as we avoid topics of debate, we're ok. I probably won't make it over to Texas even though I wish we could. I just can't go that far in the car again knowing that on Sunday I have to make the 10 hour drive back to Georgia.
I'm just antsy about everything right now. I want to know what's going on with Alex, but I'm just wanting to know which way things are going. I'm ok with not getting back together, but it wouldn't hurt my feelings if we did. I'm still feeling a lot better than I have in a long time and I think that would make life easier on both of us. I really hate waitingon all these medical tests to come back. They should've had a doctor there and waiting so I could get my results immediately. Ha. Right. I can dream.
Ok, back to trying to find something to amuse my kids.
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